


(un)Civilized: Cabin Fever

by EthanTheRenegade



Series: (un)Civilized [2]
Category: Civilization (Video Games)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, One-Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 16:53:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13768431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EthanTheRenegade/pseuds/EthanTheRenegade
Summary: In the wake of a nuclear attack, six leaders are forced to room together with Roosevelt in his underground bunker.





	(un)Civilized: Cabin Fever

**Author's Note:**

> This one goes out to @civilizedcompany on Tumblr who helped get me back into writing Civilization fics. They also helped me iron out the ending. I'm not used to writing one-shots, so hopefully this turned out okay.

* * *

**(un)Civilized: Cabin Fever**

* * *

“It’s not a matter of  _ if _ , but  _ when _ .”

The words of Catherine de Medici echoed in Roosevelt’s head. His video chat with the French leader ended on a troubling note when she revealed that Chandragupta and Gandhi were planning on launching an all-out nuclear assault upon the other nations. Catherine was warning as many of the others as she could while her spies went to work on disabling the Indian nuclear arsenal.

But what could he do? Catherine’s “Plan A” had a risk of failure, and her “Plan B” was to hide in a bunker. After pacing laps around the oval office, an idea came to him. What if he made an underground shelter for the other leaders to safely weather the storm? This was the best idea he’d ever had!

* * *

It was the worst idea he ever had. Unfortunately, he didn’t know it until it was too late.

Once the sirens had gone off, signaling the launch of the Indian ICBMs, those in attendance rushed down into the bunker. With the heavy metal doors sealed behind them, Roosevelt stepped forward to address the survivors.

“I’m sure we all hoped that it would never come to this,” Teddy spoke, “But Gandhi’s idea of ‘peace’ left us no choice but to prepare for the worst. Welcome to the Vault.”

“Are we all that’s left?” Poundmaker asked.

“We can’t be.” Victoria responded, “I believe that Catherine de Medici has sheltered some of the others in her bunker.”

“And Peter has his own.” Teddy added.

“Aye, and I’m fairly certain that Chandragupta and Gandhi are hiding in a shelter as well.” Robert The Bruce spoke up.

“Can we contact the others?” Poundmaker asked.

“There’s no telling what kind of havoc these warheads will wreak upon our ability to communicate, but after orientation we’ll give it a shot.”

“What’s the Wi-Fi password?” Victoria asked.

“I’ll get to that during orientation.” Teddy sighed, rolling his eyes.

“How long must we stay down here?” Hojo Tokimune asked.

“At minimum, a couple days.” Roosevelt responded, “I’m not sure how long it’ll be before the fallout settles.”

“A couple days? You expect me to spend a couple days in proximity to this treacherous filth?!” Tomyris glared at Cyrus.

“Unfortunately, yes.” Roosevelt sighed, “Now, orientation. Here we have the main living area, complete with a small library, sitting area, fully stocked kitchen, dining area-”

“Fully stocked kitchen?” Robert interrupted, “Do ye have haggis?”

“Uh… no.” Teddy grimaced at the idea, “But we have enough food to last us for a year, provided we stick to the pre-planned program.”

Looking at the other six in attendance, Roosevelt gave a nervous smile, “It’s smooth sailing from here.”

* * *

“I’ll drown you in your own blood!”

“How are things on your end?” Teddy groaned with his head in his hand. Behind him, Tomyris had flipped a table after discovering Cyrus was cheating in a card game the group was playing.

“Not much better it seems.” Catherine responded, “Pedro has criticized every piece of artwork I brought with me and the architecture of my bunker, Gilgamesh and Harald have been drinking my wine, and Phillip and Saladin have been arguing for the past two hours. We’ve been down here for fifteen minutes!”

“Ha! That is why I kept to my own bunker!” Peter laughed.

Roosevelt glared over at the image of the Russian on his computer, “Yes, well, have we heard from any others? What’s the situation on the surface?”

“Ten minutes ago, I received word from Trajan’s bunker. He’s sheltered Cleopatra, Alexander, Pericles, and Gorgo,” Peter replied, “If I hear anything else, I’ll let you know, Catherine.”

“Thank you.” Catherine replied as the image of the Tsar blinked out, “I’ll be sure to update you Theodore.”

“Hopefully this nightmare ends sooner than later-”

Suddenly a commotion occurred in the background of Catherine’s feed.

“Oh, crikey! They’re  _ loose _ !”

“Curtin, I told you not to bring any wildlife!” Catherine turned around as a flock of emu rampaged throughout the French bunker, “I have to go. Curtin! Keep them away from the-”

Suddenly the image turned to static.

“Tomyris, calm down!” Hojo attempted to hold the Scythian back while Robert lifted Cyrus away from the conflict.

“I’m going to cut your heart out with a spoon, Cyrus!” She screamed.

“Stop shouting this instant!” Victoria shouted, “I’m trying to watch Pride And Prejudice!”

“What on Earth is going on here?!” Teddy turned around, “You’re acting like children!”

“Everyone, please, calm down.” Poundmaker attempted to speak up.

“Children?!” Cyrus snapped, “She attacked me!”

“You cheated!”

“Everyone, please!” Poundmaker again tried to intercede.

“I can’t hear my movie!” Victoria shouted.

“It’s the end of the world as we know it and you’re going to fight amongst yourselves?” Teddy asked.

“SHUT UP!”

Everyone stopped and turned at Poundmaker, angrily glaring at the group.

“Theodore is correct, you are all acting like children. And if you act like children, perhaps that is how we should handle you. Cyrus, sit in the corner.”

“...Are you serious.” Cyrus balked.

“Sit. In. The. Corner. Twenty minutes.” Poundmaker spoke firmly, “Tomyris, we do not make threats. Sit in the corner. Eight minutes.”

Tomyris let out a frustrated grunt and sat in one corner of the room. Cyrus, grumbling all the way, sat in the opposite corner.

“Now, we should convene in the evening for a campfire. We will pass the peace pipe, make s’mores, tell stories, wear fuzzy pyjamas.” Poundmaker suggested.

“We can’t have a campfire in here!” Teddy replied, “And I have asthma, I can’t have you smoking near me!”

“Well, we’ll sit in a circle around a light source with music and snacks.” Poundmaker amended his suggestion.

Theodore sighed, “Okay. Maybe that’ll help us relax.”

“This is childish and asinine!” Cyrus called over his shoulder.

“Ten more minutes in the corner!” Theodore snapped. 

* * *

That evening, everyone gathered together in the common area. Poundmaker tuned an acoustic guitar. Hojo made s’mores with almost ritualistic focus, every single one turning out perfect.

“The Wi-Fi signal down here is simply awful!” Victoria complained as she emerged from her room wearing a nightgown, “How am I to update my Civilopedia if I can’t refresh my newsfeed?”

“Perhaps put your phone down, and engage others in conversation instead.” Hojo suggested.

“Mmm… nah.” Victoria shook her head and took a seat. “Theodore, are we going to have tea?”

“Sure, why not?” Teddy got up from his seat, his eagle slippers letting out tiny caws with each step.

“What kinds do you have?” Victoria asked.

“What do you mean ‘what kinds do I have?’” Teddy asked.

Victoria paled.

“Oh. My. God.”

“What? Isn’t tea just… tea?”

“No.” Hojo responded over his shoulder, “There are many different kinds of tea. Do not worry, I packed some. Tomyris, could you please fetch the tea kit from my room?”

“Sure.” Tomyris briefly vanished down the hall.

“What kinds do you have?” Victoria asked.

“There are  _ kinds _ of tea?” Roosevelt queried.

“I have Blueberry, Raspberry, Ginseng, Sleepy Time, Green Tea, Green Tea With Lemon, Green Tea With Lemon and Honey, Liver Disaster, Ginger with Honey, Ginger without Honey, Vanilla, Almond, White Truffle Coconut, Chamomile, Blueberry Chamomile, Decaf Vanilla Walnut, Constant Comment, and Earl Grey.” Hojo recited from memory as Tomyris returned.

“Did you make some of those up?” Teddy asked.

“...I’ll make you Sleepy Time.” Hojo sighed.

“I’ll have Earl Grey, two sugar and one milk.” Victoria requested.

“I’ll have Green with Lemon and Honey, please.” Poundmaker looked up from his tuning.

“I’ll have my usual.” Tomyris said.

“...You know her tea order that well?”

The group turned as Cyrus stepped into the room, clad in a purple and cyan onesie. Immediately Victoria’s phone was turned in his direction.

“Oh my God, Catherine has to see this!” She squealed as she snapped a photo.

“What! No! Delete that immediately!” Cyrus rushed over to try and grab her phone.

“Hands off my phone!”

“It even has a butt flap!” Tomyris laughed.

“Hey! Don’t diss the butt flap!” Robert protested.

“Shouldn’t we be fixating on the fact that Hojo has Tommy’s tea order memorized?!”

“My name is  _ Tomyris _ , you-”

“Ah!” Poundmaker tutted, “None of that at the campfire!”

“But it’s not a real-”

“Tea is ready!” Hojo called, coming around to each individual with a cup.

“This is just hot water.” Cyrus looked into his cup.

“I didn’t know what tea you drank. You may pick from the options available.”

“What do you have?” Cyrus asked.

“Blueberry, Raspberry, Ginseng, Sleepy-”

“Just go look!” Teddy interrupted.

“Alright. We have tea and snacks. Let us begin with a traditional camping song.” Poundmaker begun to strum the guitar.

“ _ Lets gather around the campfire, and sing our campfire song. Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song. And if you don't think that we can sing it faster then you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along… _ ”

“Uhh…” Theodore interrupted, “I don’t think the others know this song.”

“Oh.” Poundmaker stopped playing briefly. “Perhaps another selection?”

“ _ Oh, I'm being followed by a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow. Leapin and hoppin' on a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow… _ ”

The gentle song helped the party relax. Hojo took a seat next to Tomyris, the two clinking their tea mugs in a private toast. Victoria put her phone to the side as she too sipped her tea. Robert stuffed his face with s’mores.

At the end of the song, Poundmaker looked up. “Does anyone else have something they’d like to play?”

“Aye!” Robert raised a sticky, marshmallow-covered hand.

“Wash your hands first, please.” Poundmaker replied.

“In the meantime…” Cyrus snatched the guitar from the Cree’s hands, “I have a song I’d like to play.”

“ _ Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you. By now you should've somehow realized- _ ”

“No!” The room shouted in unison.

“Fine! Philistines…” Cyrus begrudgingly passed the guitar over to Robert as he returned with clean hands.

“Here’s a legendary Scottish song for ye.”

“ _ When I wake up, well, I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you. When I go out, yeah, I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you… _ ”

Of the group, Teddy sang the heartiest along with Robert. Though a little embarrassed, Victoria joined in as well.

“See?” Poundmaker said with a smile, “Isn’t this good? We can all get along.”

“Yeah, we’re all bros now.” Cyrus said, sipping lukewarm tea, “Hey Hojo, bro to bro, what’s going on with you and Tommy?”

“My. Name. Is. Tomyris, you-”

“No, hold on!” Victoria interrupted, “I can’t believe I’m saying this… but Cyrus has a point. Is there something going on between you two?”

“Uhh…” Hojo stammered.

“This is not our business.” Poundmaker interceded, “If they are indeed a couple, then that is between the two of them.

“Well said, Poundmaker.” Hojo spoke quickly, “Oh look, it’s late, I’m sleeping now, goodnight!”

With that, Hojo scurried off with his tea set.

“...Well. Perhaps we should all turn in.” Teddy responded.

“I’ve gotta put that picture on my laptop so I can upload it to Civilopedia.” Victoria said, grabbing her phone.

“Goodnight everyone.”

* * *

A bloodcurdling scream woke the residents of the bunker that morning. Teddy fumbled for his glasses, rushing towards the source of the screaming. When he came upon the women’s bathroom, Hojo and Victoria came just behind him.

“What’s going on?!” Victoria asked, still in her nightgown.

“We’re coming in!” Teddy called, opening the door.

When the trio entered, they saw Cyrus on the floor with a bloody nose, Tomyris wrapped up in a towel with the shower running behind her.

“What on Earth is going on here?!” Victoria screeched as Hojo and Teddy averted their eyes.

“I was taking a shower when this creep walked in!”

“The men’s room has one toilet, and Robert’s using it! I didn’t know Tommy would be in here!” Cyrus shouted as he crawled towards the door.

“I told you, my name is-”

“Everyone calm down!” Teddy called, despite the hand shielding his view of Tomyris.

“What’s going on?” Poundmaker asked, coming towards the door.

“Cyrus tried to use the ladies room because the men’s room was occupied, and walked in on Tomyris in the shower.” Victoria looked over her shoulder.

“Okay, I think we need to sit the two of you down with the peace pipe and have a roommate meeting.” Poundmaker sighed.

* * *

“Now, Tomyris. Do you have something you’d like to share with Cyrus?” Poundmaker asked, sitting between the two parties, smoke gently rising from his pipe.

“Yes. How do I put this delicately…” Tomyris pretended to think, “You’re a horrible roommate and no one in this bunker likes you.”

“Let’s frame our statements with ‘when you do  _ this _ , it makes me feel  _ this _ .’” Poundmaker suggested.

“Fine. Okay. Let’s see…” Tomyris rolled her eyes, “When you… live here… it makes me angry. Because you’re a horrible roommate and no one in this bunker likes you.”

“As if we have any other choice!” Cyrus snapped, “I’m just trying to make the best of a bad situation!”

“You walked in on me in the shower!”

“Calm down!” Poundmaker spoke up, passing the pipe in Tomyris’s direction. “Here.”

Meanwhile, Teddy sat in front of the computer, trying to reach Catherine.

“Hello? Je jure devant Dieu, if this thing doesn’t-” The French monarch cursed as the video lagged.

“I can see you, can you see me?” Teddy asked.

“You’re coming in all… robot-y.” John Curtin’s voice came from the other end, “But we hear you mate. Can- -hear us?”

“Whot? We missed some ‘f that!” Robert shouted into the screen.

“Your connection is bad!” Catherine repeated, “Pour l'amour de Dieu, who the- -your Wi-Fi?!”

“What’s the situation on the surface?” Teddy asked.

“The missiles- -Seondeok- -Everything is- -don’t-”

“What? You’re breaking up!” Roosevelt looked at the Wi-Fi signal, “You’re connected, act like it, you stupid-”

Just then the call dropped.

“Dammit!”

“Fer the love of-”

Robert angrily kicked the stool he’d propped his foot upon, sending it directly into Cyrus’s head.

“Robert! Corner! Fifteen minutes!” Poundmaker shouted.

“The nuclear attack must have done something to our ability to communicate.” Hojo theorized.

The lights flickered.

“And perhaps our power.”

“That’s impossible! I had a state of the art power supply installed!” Teddy rose from his seat. “What could possibly be disrupting our Wi-Fi connection and our power supply?!”

Victoria coughed into her hand, “I.. uhh… may have been in the process of… uploading a certain image onto Civilopedia since late last night.”

“Uploading a picture is draining our entire power supply?!” Robert shouted, stomping over from the corner.

“Robert! Your time out-” Poundmaker attempted to intercede

“It’s a  _ very _ high quality image.” Victoria replied.

“How does that even make sense?!” The Scottish King looked as if he were about to draw blood.

“You have to pause the upload so we can contact Catherine!” Teddy grabbed Victoria by the shoulders, “We have to get in contact with Catherine!”

“I can’t pause the upload!”

“Then cancel it!”

“It's been uploading this for _hours_! I'm not-”

Robert grabbed Victoria’s laptop and with a mighty yell, smashed it into the counter.

“You brute! What have you done! I henceforth  _ denounce _ you!”

The room gasped.

“You denounce me?! I denounce  _ you _ !”

“Everyone please, calm down!” Poundmaker approached.

“How  _ dare _ you denounce me? You destroyed my property!”

“You prioritized uploading an embarrassing image of Cyrus over our survival!”

“Ahem.”

“I did no such thing!”

“Then why were you arguing with Teddy about-”

“Écoutez-moi, vous videz les imbéciles! Giuro su Dio che finirò la tua vita!”

The French and Italian curses drew everyone’s attention to the screen. Catherine, Curtin, Phillip, Pedro, and Saladin were all staring at them through the screen. In the background, Gilgamesh and Harald were passed out drunk.

“Catherine! The signal’s back!” Theodore sat down.

“What’s the situation of the surface?”

“Is anything left?”

“Have we heard word from anyone?”

“Calmez-vous!” Catherine shouted. “Everything is fine! Seondeok disabled the missiles remotely after they launched. Genghis Khan, Tamar, and Qin Shi Huang launched a counterattack upon India to prevent further launches. Gandhi and Chandragupta have surrendered!”

“Wait.” Poundmaker pushed past Robert and Victoria, “When did all this happen?”

“Within hours of the initial launch.  _ Someone _ brought their emus into the fallout shelter, and in the commotion our communications were knocked out. After we brought them back online this morning, we tried to contact you. Then your communications went down.”

The room was filled with a deafening silence.

“Hello? Did’ja hear us?” Curtin leaned forward.

“Loud. And. Clear.” Teddy smiled the smile of a man trying to hide unbridled rage. “Thank you Catherine.”

“Could you send the ‘All Clear’ signal? We’ve all been trapped down here because your bunker hasn’t responded.” Phillip pushed closer to the screen, “It has been absolutely awful being stuck down here with this heretic!”

“Oh, please! At least you didn’t have to put up with Cyrus!” Tomyris snapped.

“Tomyris and Cyrus stuck in the same place for a day?” Catherine raised an eyebrow, “How did that turn out for you?”

“There was bloodshed, aye.” Robert responded, “He walked in on ‘er in the shower, so she clocked him ‘n the nose.”

“Oh. My. God. That reminds me!” Victoria grabbed her phone, “Catherine, I  _ have  _ to show you this picture I took… Cyrus in a onesie with a  _ butt flap _ !”

“Hey! Don’t diss the butt flap!” Cyrus, Phillip, Pedro, and Robert all shouted in unison.

“I’m sending the all clear now.” Teddy said in the resigned voice of a broken man, “We’ll see you on the surface.”

Shutting down the computer, Theodore Roosevelt silently led the group in gathering their things and ascending to the surface.

“This was a good way to spend a weekend.” Poundmaker attempted to inject some positivity into the situation, “We sung songs around a campfire, drank tea-”

“Yes. Maybe it would have been like a vacation, were the circumstances different.” Hojo sighed.

“Perhaps we could organize a camping trip for the next world congress meeting?” Poundmaker suggested.

“No!” Everyone else shouted in unison.

**Author's Note:**

> Shout out to SpongeBob, Cat Stevens, Oasis, and The Proclaimers for the singalong section.


End file.
